


Incan Have a Mummy

by Tassos



Category: Emperor's New Groove (2000)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Gen, Pre-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-02 18:15:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12731733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tassos/pseuds/Tassos
Summary: Yzma sends Kronk to fetch a guy she needs to talk to. One problem. He's dead.Kronk goes on an adventure with a little help from his Shoulder Angel and Devil.





	Incan Have a Mummy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Missy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/gifts).



> Many thanks to [redacted] and [redacted] for brainstorming with me and beta reading.
> 
> The best way to read this story is to imagine you're watching it happen.

"Kronk!" Yzma stomped through the outer room of her lair. "Kronk! Where are you?"

"Peeling grapes for my new sumptuous cocktail." Kronk took his fingernails to one last grape and set it on the growing pyramid on the counter in front of him. He looked up just as Yzma flung open the door to his kitchen. Well, it was technically Yzma's workshop kitchen, but since Kronk was the only one of them who cooked, he liked to think of it as almost his.

He grinned at his best girl and whipped up the cocktail shaker that had been resting. "I'm calling it Incan-Have-Another. What do you think?" He poured and presented a glass to her in one flawless motion. Damn, he was good.

"I think Incan-Have-Work-For-You!" Yzma said, taking a sip. "Ooh." Her eyes flashed delightedly. "The tequila needs a worm."

"One worm, coming right up." Kronk turned to his cabinet -- now where had he put the worms?

"But not now!" Yzma was once more shouting. "I have a very urgent job for you!"

"Oh?" 

"Yes!" Yzma pointed imperiously. 

To be fair, she did a lot of things imperiously. Kronk was pretty sure she was practicing for when she got to sit on the throne imperiously. Imperiously ruling. He waggled his eyebrows significantly. 

"What? What's that for?" Yzma's imperious finger now pointed at his eyebrows. 

Kronk froze. "I was . . . agreeing with you?" 

"Yes. Good." Yzma waved that all away. "I need you to bring me Emperor Urcon."

"Emperor Urcon?" Kronk frowned.

"Yes! Emperor Urcon!"

"Kuzco's father, Emperor Urcon?" Kronk asked, just to be sure.

"Yes!" Yzma crossed her arms and got that look on her face, the one where she would have looked like a sour grape if her face didn't already look like a sour grape.

"Kuzco's father, Emperor Urcon, who is dead?" Kronk asked, just to be extra sure.

"Yes! I need to talk to his mummified remains. Now stop. Asking. Questions!" Yzma stomped her foot and pointed imperiously at the door in a manner that suggested Kronk better get out of the kitchen and hop to it.

"Right. I'll just go to the tomb then, shall I? To get Emperor Urcon. Kuzco's father, Emperor Urcon," Kronk gave Yzma a sideways look. "Who is dead," he said, just to be extra extra sure.

"Kronk!" 

Right.

* * *

Getting to the entrance to the imperial tomb made for a great workout. Kronk jogged up the 459 steps to the top of the pyramid without breaking a sweat. Damn, that felt good. At the top, the cool night air was as refreshing as a glass of water. Next time Kronk would have to bring an empty phial and bottle it -- one whiff and he was ready to go again.

And the view? Incredible! 

But Kronk was here for more than the view. He turned his back on the rolling green hills, the terraced farms and the stunning architecture of the city and faced the tomb entrance. Yzma had foiled the guard rotations so the person who was supposed to be defending the holy, sacred last resting place of their beloved divine emperor who was now a god thought he had the night off. So clever that Yzma. 

But Kronk's grin slowly dissolved into a worried "oh no" as he took in the messages carved around the door to the tomb.

KEEP OUT OR YOU'LL GET EATEN! said the first with a giant snarling jaguar.

DON'T ENTER OR YOU'LL BE STABBED WITH STICKS! said the second with a giant circle with a bar through it and razor sharp lines emanating from around it.

WARNING: MUMMY INSIDE - THIEVES WILL BE CURSED! said a third with the head of their beloved divine emperor who was now a god pointing imperiously at dead people at his feet.

Kronk gulped. 

Doubt popped into his head, fully formed.

"Here now, what's this? Hesitation? Bah!" A little red Kronk popped into existence on his shoulder with a little red trident.

"My shoulder devil!" Relief swept through Kronk at his appearance.

"What are you waiting for?" The little red Kronk stamped his foot, which tickled.

"Wait!" A little white Kronk popped into existence on his other shoulder with a little golden harp. He waved the harp at Kronk's nose. "You can't go in there! That's the tomb of the divine emperor!"

"Why can't he?" Shoulder-Devil retorted. "It's not like the divine emperor will care. He's dead!"

"Hmm. Good point," Kronk mused. Urcon was dead. What would he care?

"This is his final resting place. Have you no respect?" Shoulder-Angel stood up straight and strummed his harp in a soothing manner.

"I'll show you respect!" Shoulder-Devil pushed up his sleeves and started marching across Kronk's collarbone toward Shoulder-Angel.

Shoulder-Angel leaned forward and abruptly belted out, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me!" and smashed his harp over Shoulder-Devil's head. Shoulder-Devil fell over and Kronk caught him in his hand, cute little tridents swirling around him.

"Uh…"

"Oh my!" Shoulder-Angel gasped, shocked at his own behavior.

They both disappeared with a pop. 

Kronk shook his head trying to clear it. The warnings on the tomb entrance weren't nearly as confusing as what had just happened. They wanted him out, Yzma wanted him in. Kronk stood up straight and in he went.

* * *

Kronk's torch lit the passage way that would have been a maze if it hadn't been the only path through the interior of the tomb. Unlike Yzma's secret lab, however, it was much less fun. Stairs and corners winding down down down -- not even a slide! What was that?

But Kronk forgave it all when he passed through the final door and lit the brazier inside and it turned out to be a whole aqueduct of lamp oil, running around the room and illuminating the whole giant room of Emperor Urcon's tomb.

The sight was as incredible as the view from the top, only here, the rolling green hills were rolling gold hills. Of gold.

Kronk's eyes widened to as big as dessert plates. He could help Yzma with her potion AND - 

"Don't even think about it, girlfriend." Shoulder-Angel popped in and made the universal stop sign against Kronk's cheek, pushing his face away from the sight of all that golden treasure.

"But-"

"Are you kidding! It's gold! It's there! It's unguarded!" Shoulder-Devil popped up mid jump-for-joy and landed with a thump right in Kronk's line of sight. "How many pockets you got in those tiny pants of yours?"

"No, no, no!" said Shoulder-Angel. "Stealing is wrong! Stealing from a tomb is worse! Remember the curse!"

"Curse-schmursh." Shoulder-Devil flapped dismissively at Shoulder-Angel and turned to Kronk. "You gonna let him harp on that morality crap? Look what happened when he harped on me!" He pointed to the big goose egg on his head that was sticking up like a third horn.

"But the curse! Think of all the dead people who will be upset that you took their things!" Shoulder-Angel wrung his hands.

"I think there's only one dead person," Kronk said, turning back to the piles of gold. He craned his neck, half-expecting Urcon to pop up from behind one of the piles. 

Shoulder-Devil stood up straight with his hands behind his back. He'd acquired glasses and was looking down his nose at Kronk through them. "And what did we learn about dead people?" 

"Dead people . . ." Oh, Kronk knew this one! Or wait, was it a trick question? He tried squinting to get a better look at Shoulder-Devil, then glanced at Shoulder-Angel when he didn't get a hint.

Shoulder-Angel huffed and crossed his arms as the silence dragged out, and Kronk still didn't know the answer, and now he was disappointing them. Oh, why couldn't Shoulder-Devil ask him about puff pastry? He was so much better at technical challenges.

But Shoulder-Devil had asked about dead people, and now he was tapping his foot which made an annoying tap-tap sound because he was tapping his foot against his trident. On his other side, Shoulder-Angel was fit for bursting until he suddenly blurted out:

"Dead people don't care!" Shoulder-Angel clapped his hands over his mouth as if to recapture the words.

But Kronk grinned, his test-taking anxiety evaporating immediately as the correct answer presented itself. He grinned at Shoulder-Angel and gave him a wink. "Riiight! Dead people don't care!" he proudly told Shoulder-Devil.

"Ha!" Shoulder-Devil shouted.

"Oh bother!" Shoulder-Angel didn't sound happy after all, which made Kronk frown because hadn't it been the right answer?

He didn't get a chance to ask, however, because Shoulder-Angel popped out. Shoulder-Devil gave him a fond pat on the nose.

"Stuff your pockets," he told Kronk with a grin. "And don't forget the dead guy."

Then he, too, winked out, leaving Kronk with the piles of gold and empty pockets to fill.

* * *

Kronk almost forgot the dead guy. 

In his defense, they'd buried him with a full dinner service set that Kronk had to figure out how to stick in his shirt -- which took some maneuvering, let me tell you! He had a major breakthrough however when he realized that the serving platter looked almost exactly, but not quite, well actually not at all, like the breastplate the palace guards wore. He was going to walk out with the best disguise of all. Hiding in plain sight.

He'd just strapped the tea kettle to his head with some handy straps he had on him for no reason and was all set to see how well he fit in when he stubbed his toe on a golden chair with a guy sitting it.

"Ow! Squeager-mcsqueaken!" he swore in squirrel. "I'm terribly sorry!" He excused himself to the guy with a face painted on his face.

Like a lightbulb going off in his head, Kronk knew immediately who it was. "Urcon!" he greeted the wrapped corpse of their beloved divine emperor who was now a god. "You have a date with Yzma!" 

He couldn't believe that he'd almost forgotten. Yzma would be so disappointed, and he couldn't bear Yzma's disappointment.

It took no time at all to hoist up the dead guy, though it was a little hard to sling his arm over Kronk's shoulder since his arms were wrapped up tight against his body and his legs were crooked awkwardly from sitting for so long. At least his face and body parts were painted onto the cloth covering his wrappings and someone had remembered to dress him. That would make it seem like Kronk was just carrying his buddy home after a night of hard drinking.

He threw Urcon over his shoulder, wincing a little when his dead weight pressed his gravy boat saucer pauldron into his trapezius muscle. Shoulder-Devil wasn't going to be very happy if a dent formed in his shoulder.

But nothing for it. With his golden dinner service and the dead guy, he quickly retraced his steps out of the tomb, all the way back to the top.

Where he was greeted by two guards with very long, serious faces.

"Uh… Hi guys!" Kronk was fairly certain they weren't supposed to be there. Hadn't Yzma changed the guard rotation?

Then he noticed the other thing that wasn't supposed to be there. The big giant yellow ball in the sky. What was that doing there?!

"It's morning," Shoulder-Angel popped in wringing his hands. "Oh, I told you the tomb was cursed. Time passed faster down there and now we're caught!"

"Nice armor!" Shoulder-Devil tapped his trident against the gravy boat saucer. "Just throw the dead guy at them. That'll knock 'em out."

"Uh…"

"What are you doing here! Why is the tomb door open?" the taller of the two guards demanded. He brandished his spear with menace that Kronk saw reflected in his beady little eyes.

"Well, you see, I was just passing by," Kronk said, "You know, on my patrol route." He winked at the two guards who only frowned more menacingly. But! They weren't stabbing him with their spears!

"Tell them you robbed the tomb! You must confess!" said Shoulder-Angel.

"No! Then we'll all be in the clink, and Kuzco will make you wrestle crocodiles for all eternity. Or until you're dead. Whichever comes first," said Shoulder-Devil. "We can take them!"

"Crocodiles!" Shoulder-Angel gasped in horror. "I have it. Tell them the dead guy robbed the tomb. Then you can nicely put him back and they'll forgive you!" But his desperate smile crashed into a frown. "Wait -"

"I found this dead guy here," Kronk shrugged his shoulder carrying Urcon, "sneaking around in there. With the gold. I knocked him out, tied him up, and now I'm taking him in for questioning."

"But he's dead," the shorter of the two guards said, menacingly.

"Did I say that?" Kronk was sure he hadn't.

"You did." The taller guard took a menacing step forward.

"I meant…" Kronk leaned forward and said slowly, thinking furiously, "dead to the world." Which wasn't even a lie!

"Ah!" the shorter guard said. He relaxed, the menace dropping from his body like shedding a cloak.

"Hmm," the taller guard said, keeping on his menacing cloak of menace. He squinted up at the air above Kronk's head. "Why is there a golden tea kettle on your head?"

"Cursed!"

"Throw the dead guy!" 

His Shoulder-mates screamed, one in each ear.

So Kronk swung the corpse of Emperor Urcon at the two guards, knocked them out, and ran down all 459 steps before the sun got any higher in the sky.

* * *

It wasn't easy getting back to Yzma's lair. After his first run in with the palace guards at the tomb, Kronk didn't think his plan of blending in was going to work after all. He had to sneak and dodge and hide behind pillars that Shoulder-Angel said were too skinny and Shoulder-Devil thought were not exciting enough.

"Ohh, you know what you should do?" Shoulder-Devil said while they were waiting in a doorway. Kronk's wide shoulders filled most of it. Urcon, sitting on air, leaned casually against his side in the remaining space. "You should talk like you're Urcon to people! Here comes a child! Do it!"

A little girl held her mother's hand through the market, and she turned her head curiously to Kronk and Urcon in the doorway. Since Kronk was in golden dinner service armor and blended into the golden mud walls of the city bathed in golden sunshine, her attention was immediately drawn to Urcon's wide-fixed smile and wide-fixed stare.

"Uh… hello, little girl," Kronk said out of the side of his mouth. "Would you like some candy?"

The little girl's eyes went very wide indeed as she stared at Urcon, and she began walking away from her mother toward them.

"No! She would not like some candy! Why would you say that?" Shoulder-Angel strummed a discordant chord on his harp. "You don't have any candy to give her!" 

"Oh right… er… never mind." Kronk waggled Urcon under his arm which made the little girl give a startled yelp, and her mother pull her back into the crowd without noticing a thing.

Kronk was sweating and he wasn't sure why.

"That was great!" Shoulder-Devil cackled.

"Let's get back to, Yzma," said Kronk. "I don't think your ideas are always very good."

* * *

"Kronk!" Yzma clapped her hands together with hearts in her eyes when he returned to the lair. "You brought him! You're late! And not dead!" She rushed him and enveloped both Kronk and Urcon in a big hug. She was strong for such a skinny lady.

"Uh…" Kronk frowned at the uncharacteristic display of affection. Yzma didn't really do friendly emotions.

"I'm so happy, you're here! Why are you yellow?"

"Oh, I grabbed some souvenirs from the tomb. And I brought you Urcon! He's dead!" Kronk glanced at his traveling companion who was still smiling with his painted face. "But he's happy to see you."

"Oh good. He can have the couch." Yzma waved her hand imperiously in the general direction of the sitting area. She took two staggering steps and that was when Shoulder-Angel and Shoulder-Devil popped back in, both staring after her as fascinated as Kronk was as the slow realization dawned over all three of them. Yzma was sloshed.

"Uh, Yzma? You okay there?" Kronk asked, following her into the kitchen.

"Yes, yes," she waved at him. "I was worried, I mean bored, waiting all night for you. So I found the worms!" She held up an empty jar from the counter. She shook it over the martini glass, but nothing came out. Because it was empty. She held her empty glass out to him with that look on her face, the one where she would have looked like a sad kitten if her face didn't always look like a sad kitten.

"Incan-Haz-Another?" she asked.

Kronk felt his heart grow three sizes for his best girl. He sat dead Urcon up on a stool at the counter, shooed his Shoulder-Angel and Devil off his service set armor, and took her glass. 

"Of course you can," he said, grinning fondly. "Anything for you."

The end

"Kronk?" Yzma asked blearily, after the credits. "Why do you have a tea kettle on your head?"

**Author's Note:**

> The R-E-S-P-E-C-T line is from Respect by Aretha Franklin (you know Shoulder Angel and Kronk are fans).  
> The mummy here is more influenced by Egyptian mummy movies than Incan, but what's an Emperor's New Groove fic without being wildly inaccurate? You can learn a little about [Incan mummies here.](https://www.ancient.eu/article/699/inca-mummies/)


End file.
